MISCELLANEOUS


Laugh it over

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all?
Satan: That's what everyone thinks!
Lucifer: What about the PC?
Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys!
Lucifer: Which three?
Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!

Taste of wine

On his first date with a beatiful woman, a guy decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District. Upon tasting the wine, the young man berated the steward. "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered." The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again the young man was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 alright, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!" Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in this glass ?" Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, the Young man sipped at the drunks glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and spat the mouthfull out. "That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

Blind date

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna get weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.

Good deed

A fella finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. Ol' Peter explains that it's not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? ..that's bad, that's bad ...Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? ...No?...not good, not good....Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything?...NO?? Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, EVERYBODY does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There WAS this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around. Taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought thru the crowd and got her purse back. Helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and SPIT in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

Insulted

On this morning a woman and her baby was taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." "You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him." You're right sir I think I will report him. The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

Pullover

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Lottery

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery."
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out."

Parrot with memory

A woman wanted a pet to keep her company at home while her husband was off at work and the children were in school. After some research, she decided a parrot would fit her needs nicely. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog or a cat, and it would be very interesting to hear it speak, but unfortunately they were quite expensive. One day on a shopping trip she spotted a large, beautifully colored parrot and asked the owner of the store for the price of the bird. The owner said he let it go for $50. Delighted that such a are and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. Before accepting her money, the owner said, "I should tell you first that this bird used to live n a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty.....well, embarrassing stuff." The woman was so attracted to the bird and the excellent price that she decided to buy it anyway. When she got home she placed the bird's cage in her living room and waited patiently for it to say something. The bird studied his new surroundings, and his new owner, and finally said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a little taken at the implication of what she had just heard, but after a few minutes decided that it wasn't really all that bad. When her two teenage daughters came in from school, the bird Looked them over and said,"New house, new madam, new whores!" After their initial surprise was over, the girls joined their mother in laughter. Shortly after 5PM the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him, the mother, and the girls and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, same old faces. Hi Sam!"

Prayer Works

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Beer and women

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer. And observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."


Lawyers for god
Once god thought that it was too much and decided to settle his disputes with Satan, once and for all. On hearing this the devil smiled coolly and said "and where does he intend to get the lawyers from?"

Two Lawyers in the Woods
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Burial
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

Q: What''s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

The final test
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question. To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate. St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead." St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

Interviewing the Medical Examiner
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened: Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Politics

A small boy asks his Dad, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son,let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the littleboy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Poop."

Which World Leaders to Choose?

It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate
A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologers. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps untill noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extra-marital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
And the candidates are:
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
So...what makes a leader a good leader??

True use of KGB

The phone rings at KGB headquaters.
They answer : "Hello?" "Hello, Is that the KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour Y.Rabinotov as an enemy of the state. He is hiding diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinotov's house.They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinotov and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinotov's house. He answers,"Hello."
"Hello Rabinotov! Did the KGB come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes they did."
"O.K., now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."


One chooses to travel for fun, pleasure, interest and enjoyment. This section is to provide you, a different aspect of travel - travel related jokes. So go through it and enjoy the jokes and also please write in to us if you have any.Send.We will surely include it in this section. Once.................

A sardar was traveling by train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, which happens to have a mirror in the front. The sardar thinks there is another sardar bhai in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat. 5 minutes later he goes again, only to find the same sardar bhai.
An hour passes away, he's made 20 trips to the bathroom, only to find that the same person is still there. So he finally gets ticked off, goes to the last compartment and tells the TC (Ticket Checker) what's been going on. The TC, who also happens to be a sardar, feels bad for him and promises to throw the bum out. The TC walks down to the compartment with the troubled bathroom to get the resident bhai out. Few minutes later the TC comes back and tell the sardar "I'm sorry, I can't do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member".

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A news reporter gets news that 100 sardars are killed in a train accident at Amritsar station. Only one sardar left alive.
The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?
Sardar: oh ji pucho mat.. sab kuch sahi tha sab log platform par khade gaadi ki wait kar rahe they. Achanak announcement hui ki shatabdee express 2 no.platform par aa rahi hai. Jaise hi sab ne suna ki gaddi PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log apni jaan bachane ke liye patri par kood gaye. Aur tabhi gaddi patri par aa gayi.
Reporter: Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee.Aap patri par nahin koode.
Sardar: oe nahin ji main to suicide karne ki iye patri par hi leta tha. Jaise hi announcement hui main to platform par chad gaya

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Mr A and Mr. B were discussing how they would like to die. Mr. A said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. I don't want to die screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same time." Mr. B asked, "How did his friends die screaming while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?" Mr A replied, "His friends were the passengers in the car he was driving

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There was a Sardarji that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." The Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango tree next to the slide on the north side of the city play ground". Signed, "A Sardarji". The Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardarji?"

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How to answer the usual questions asked to Indians........ Here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday :


Are all Indians vegetarian?
Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.

Does India have cars?
No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.

What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....

Does India have TV?
No. We only have cable.

Are you a Hindi?
Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.

Do you speak Hindu?
Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.

India is very hot, isn't it?
It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.

Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.

Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
I prefer it to coming naked.

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Ramayana by a modern guy...??

A young second generation Indian in the US, is explaining the significance of Diwali to his younger brother. This is how he would go about it... So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so. He decided to get his wife and his bro. along...you know...so that they could all chill out together. But DUDE, the forest was reeeeal scary shit...really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked ass with darts and bows and arrows... so it was Fine. But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro., Lakshman, pissed... And you DON't piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just kicks ass and like... all the gods were with him. So anyways, you don't mess with gods. SO, Ram, and his bro. get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... so, Ram, Laksh. And their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his ownhood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest...And anyways...it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch a ride back home...and when the people realize that our dude, his bro. And the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days...so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool...you know with all those fireworks...Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks..And you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding..,that was the very first music-synchronised fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, THAT was how, like, this festival started. Cool! Diwali rocks......

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