Classic Replies

 Customer  : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
  Waiter    : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.  
  
  Customer  : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
  Waiter    : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
 Customer  : No, I can't.
  Waiter    : Then does it really matter? 
   
  Customer  : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
  Waiter    : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
  
  Customer  : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
 Waiter    : Funny?  But then why aren't you laughing? 
  
 Lady              : Is this my train?
 Station Master    : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
 Lady              : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take  this train to New Delhi.
 Station Master    : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy. 
 
 Teacher     : Peter, why are you late for school again?
 Peter          : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into
 extra  time. 
  
 Wife        : Do you want dinner?
 Husband  : Sure, what are my choices?
 Wife        : Yes and no.
 
  Customer  : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
 Waiter    : That's all right sir, he won't drink much. 
  
  Customer  : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
  Waiter    : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

 A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
 commotion in the gallery.
 The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
 The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have  a scotch and 
 soda." 
  
 Customer        : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in  two days time?
 Post Master     : Yes sir, it definitely will.
 Customer        : I bet you, it won't.
 Post Master     : Why not?
 Customer        : It's addressed to Mumbai. 
 
  An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
 'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
 'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
 'How long has what been going on?' said the man. 
 
 Girl    : Do you love me?
 Boy     : Yes Dear.
 Girl    : Would you die for me?
 Boy     : No, mine is undying love. 
 
 1st thief    : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
 2nd thief    : But this is the 13th floor.
 1st thief    : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions. 
 
 Man  : How old is your father?
 Boy  : As old as me.
 Man  : How can that be?
 Boy  : He became a father only when I was born. 

 Customer  : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
 Waiter     : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller. 
 
 Teacher   : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the  field"
 Student   : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
 Teacher   :How?
 Student   : Ladies first. 
 
 Waiter    : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
 Customer  : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card. 
  
 Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,  shouting,
 "Daddy!  Daddy!  I got a 100 in school today!"
 "That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
 "Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
 "Well,"  began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and  20 in science."